employee: how does it look?
vampire in a changing room: I can’t see myself wearing this
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diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
When someone tries to tell me they can’t do something, I’m like “you ever hear of the Power of Grayskull?”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
I was confused when my wife asked me what I spent $108 on at the liquor store. I answered “liquor?”
All is not a trick question. Apparently
I just ran into my friend Sue. She introduced me to her second husband. I said “I wouldn’t have picked him first either.”
I have a black belt in leather
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
We’re currently showing our home & still living there.
My husband hid the popcorn maker in the oven to make the kitchen look “cleaner.”
I preheated the oven to make dinner.
We’re going to be arguing about this for awhile.
My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
3yo hit her big sister then asked if I was calling the police. she wasn’t scared she was testing to see if I’d snitch
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
My 6-year-old broke his brother’s favorite toy. He asked me what to say to him. Sensing a teachable moment, I looked him in the eye, told him to go to his brother & say, “Mama has something to tell you.”
Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
[dentist’s full hand and wrist in my mouth, also his keys?]
so u visited Spain u said? tell me. tell me every goddamn detail about Spain
[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
Growing up, I had lots of nicknames but my best would always be ‘Officer! That’s him over there’… It gave me my sprinter’s physique.
Hangin with my peeps at the club. Biting their heads off, one by one. Enjoying their marshmallow deliciousness.
*gives you dictionary for your birthday*
wow.. i don’t know what to say
“that’s why i bought it for you”
TRUTHFUL TUESDAY:
When my son was 7 he pissed me off so badly I pressed all the elevator buttons knowing every new rider would blame him.
Everybody want to be a gangsta till it’s time to go to jail.
My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.