It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
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Dog: Dude, I’m your best friend.
Me: You shit on the carpet today.
Dog: *sighs* Look around you, Fitz. I’m still your best friend.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Everyone hates on the dentist but at least they don’t try to weigh you.
I said Grace tonight, which was really awkward because her name was Susan.
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Rarely does an interaction with someone end with me thinking “I guess I was wrong about people.”
fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
me: I need to buy new stamps so I’m not sending out condolence cards with Disney villain stamps on them
friend: no one grieves like Gaston, acts bereaved like Gaston
me: how are you doing this
friend: no one orders ornate funeral wreaths like Gaston
How to shape your eyebrows
A thread
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
My roommate wants to have sex with me so bad. I don’t think he understands how marriage works.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
Her: Well, I know I told you that.
Me: *closes eyes*
Her: What are you doing?
Me: Checking for it in my spam folder.
Some people are uncouth but not me, I’m super couthy.
Mob Boss: did you make it look like an accident
Me: oh yeah I rear ended him before I shot him
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
Marathon runner: I think we’re lost. Why does that sign say Grand Canyon? Are you sure this is the right way?
Lemming: Just trust me, ok?
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Gonna shake things up and start signing emails off with, “In loving memory of, Me”
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
Angel: we need to make more creatures
God: why?
Angel: you killed them all
God:
Angel: giant meteor..
God: oh ya lol, idk bring back wooly mammoths they were cute
Angel: but the ice age is over it’ll be too hot
God: c’mon man it’s the weekend just shave em or something