I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
Except Fortnite.
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[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Just so funny
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
Wind chimes:
-loud
-only nice in theory
-secretly hated by allMe:
-wait
-oh no i’m wind chimes
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
My client has retained me to cancel plans with you.
13: mum, I fell in P.E and hurt my leg… and Chloe saw me face plant.
Me: aw, baby, don’t be embarrassed… it happens.
13: I know, mum… I got up, looked her dead in the eye, and said “look at that, Chloe, I scraped my knee falling for you!”
Do I fail parenting now?
*watches The Matrix and just gets increasingly annoyed at how unrealistic it is for Trinity and Neo to wear sunglasses inside*
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
I’m a good person!
You can tell because I’m announcing it loudly.
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Instead of getting any work done on my face, I’m just going to pull my hair back into a really tight ponytail.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
I got my first real 6-string
Bought it at the 5 & dime
Played it til my fingers bled
Mom sued the guitar manufacturer & settled out of court
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.