Psychic: Bruce Willis was dead the entire time! I did not see that coming at all.
Me: I’d like my money back.
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Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
The game has officially changed 😎
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
Bread as a loaf, bread as a bowl. Bread as a slice or bread as a roll. Bread is delicious, it is a fact. Whoopi’s best movie was Sister Act.
In my defense, I’m not sure why you kept the bags of quicksand next to the bags of regular sand.
You aren’t supposed to strip during Zumba. Apparently.
I AM dressing for the job I want (I want to be a sweatpants model)
Wife: I hate it when romance novels say the guy “explored her body.” What’s he going to do, plant a flag? “I claim this booty for England!”
I like my coffee like I like my women: Much, much hotter than I have any business putting in my mouth. And sprinkled with cinnamon.
This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart
daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Spiders have it about right.
If he doesn’t bring her a snack when he courts her it’s curtains..
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
#Caturday
Guess how many times pre-wrapped convenience store firewood helped me get laid.
I wonder if the plants in my house get scared when I eat salad?
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I don’t think it’s rude to keep standing if you go to someone’s house and their furniture is ugly
Me: Guys, we have to leave for the store in an hour
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 15 min
Guys, we have to leave for the store in 5 min
Guys, we have to leave9yo: WHY?!? Where are we going?!?
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
I’m not exaggerating when I say if I ever clogged a toilet at work I would immediately quit, change my name, and move to a different city
[first date]
{don’t let him know you’re a psychic}
{don’t let her know you’re a psychic}
{we’re both psychic?}
{yeah}
{cool let’s bang}
{k}
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
moms in horror movies
[kelloggs meeting]
“okay so, the corn flakes box, what can we put on it?”
a chicken
“jim is there something wrong at home?”