You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
You Might Also Like
Here you go, Merry Christmas!
“Dad, why’d you wrap our gifts in soft fabric?”
Because I wanted to make-
Mom: NO DON’T
My presents felt
I just got a text from someone I don’t know. They say they’re sick and vomitting.
Should I tell them that vomitting only has one T?
When I write “I hope this email finds you well” I’m referring to the email’s skills in tracking you down.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
You find my yoga pants distracting…
…would you like me to take them off?
Me: (singing along with the car radio)
Friend: You know why this artist sings this song?
Me: No, why?
Friend: So you don’t have to.
If life was fair, piñatas would take sticks and beat the shit outta little kids to get their candy back.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
Tinder: she casually drops being a swinger into the conversation
Me: ah yes, been there… I too have regular mood fluctuations
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
1st date: I love the spiderman movies
Me: So do I
[thinking of something to say to impress her]
Me: I used to be a spider
Wise advice
*sees husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding*
is this priest bothering you?
“How did your grammar competition go?”
I losed
Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
Sometimes I go to the beach just to show those handsome young men what they’ll look like in twenty years.
This is the dumbest end of the world ever.
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
I will never have to admit to a mistake at work when I can blame the last person who quit
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
My daily affirmation before work goes something like this: “I enjoy receiving a paycheck.”
I’m a professional air guitar tech.
The pay is crap but I enjoy the lifestyle that goes with it
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
Move over, pizza rat. 🍕 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.