Why is the saying “Ignorance is bliss” and not, “No brain, no pain”?
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The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
My ex once told me that she still had feelings for me but then clarified that they were all negative ones
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
PROSECUTOR: the defendant robbed 3 stores naked wearing only a teletubby mask
ME: *slams gavel* guilty as charged
Defendant: aren’t you my lawyer?
JUDGE: *missing his gavel* give that back
Him: I think we should
Me: crack open a beer?
H: do something this afternoon
M: drink beer?
H: something outside
M: beer in the sun?
H: I was thinking more of
M: wine?
H: ….
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
At my funeral, I’d like my family, my closest friends, and a high-pitched squeal no one can locate the source of
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
[Dr’s office]
“I have Carrie like reflexes”
Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?
*Dr hits my knee with reflex hammer and I set him on fire*
No
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
[God is taking a nap]
Prankster Angel: Um yea hi, Abraham? This is God. *trying super hard not to laugh* You need to kill your son.
[Terminator Academy]
Terminator: When you travel to the past you will arrive nude.
Insecurminator: oh no!
Who called it a Viking burial at sea and not a gravey boat?
Looking at a guy in great shape: 🔥🔥
Looking at a girl in great shape: 😍😍
Looking at workout equipment: 😐
BOSS: this is our mortician, david
ME: *goes up for a high five* more like caDAVEer, amirite
DAVID:
ME: just gonna stiff me, huh?
DAVID:
ME: ᵒᶠ ᶜᵒʳᵖˢᵉ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ
They say all good things must come to an end…
After 7 wonderful years of marriage…
I walked in on my wife…
Watching Twilight..
I’m currently in between meals and not very happy about it
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what
Starbucks really isn’t that expensive when compared to what Victoria’s Secret charges per cup
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
Regaling my son with tales of yore about the formality of landline phones and how, when the caller asked to speak to you by name, you’d have to say “This is she” or people would think you were raised by alley cats
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun