Whoever first said “No news is good news” never had their cable & Internet go out for two days
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*scream sings THERE GOES MY HERO*
idk who needs to hear this but if you ever need to move a lamb over a wall, here u go
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
Me: I never lie.
Also me: Yes, i’ve read and agree with the privacy policy.
Me: Why’d my bill go up?
AT&T: u got rid of ur land-line
M: But it should cost less if I have fewer services.
AT&T: And we threw in a donkey
M: I don’t want a donkey.
AT&T: Donkey removal is an extra $50
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Oh I must be looking sexy this morning…the donut shop glazed the hell outta those donuts
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
My boss got hit by a car while I was on my way to the wishing well so yes, I do have some spare change.
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
9-year-old: I missed a word on my spelling test.
Me: That’s okay. I used to have trouble spelling.
9: But then you got better?
Me: No. I got spell check.
BRITISH PERSON: cheerio
AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger
I’m going to get some steel wool so I can crochet myself a new car.
Movie idea: Channing Tatum and Chris Hemsworth are called on by the US government to take their shirts off and punch people who read books.
Mom always said she didn’t have a favorite child, which was tough because I don’t have any brothers or sisters.
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end
A man has been jailed for forging banknotes.
He also got a big fine which he immediately paid in crisp $9 notes.
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
I wasn’t trying to put you on a pedestal. I was trying to bend you over it.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
Flight Attendant: Sir, you need to put your iPhone in airplane mode.
Me: We’ve been cleared for takeoff for twenty minutes. You need to put this airplane in airplane mode.