Car commercials grossly overestimate how much time I spend driving around in the desert
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Pilot is one of the few jobs where you can get fired for going above and beyond
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
when revenge coincides with naptime
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE
twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.
I’m now on year 3 of the ‘7 day ab challenge’
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
“Welcome to Panda Express”
“I’d like one panda”
“Sorry we don’t sell pand-”
*slips cashier $100*
“Meet me in the back alley in ten minutes”
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
M: I just can’t find the words.
H: She’s kidding, give her a minute.
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
I’m not looking for the woman who reads 50 Shades of Grey. I’m looking for the one that finds it boring.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Someone left a handful of random candy scattered on my doormat and I’m having the hardest time recalling whose van I got into recently…
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
[roulette]
ME: [slaps table] 50 on red
CROUPIER: Sir that is 50 pictures of Celine Dion
ME: Yes and if I win [grabs him] you owe me 50 more
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings