At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
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DATING TIP: pull out her chair at dinner & whisper “that’s not the only thing I’ll be pulling out” then pull out her napkin like a gentleman
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
Congrats on your beautiful newborn, one day you will look under her bed and know why you have ants.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
‘Pumpkin’ has got to be the weirdest pet name. How do you look at the person you cherish and adore and decide to call them the second largest squash in North America?
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
[human resources]
Her: What did you mean when you said, “rub it for good luck”?
Rabbit (nervously): …I was talking about my foot
The year is 2200. All fossil fuels are depleted. Our only source for coal is Santa Claus. Everyone must be naughty for the sake of mankind.
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
I READ EVERY NEGATIVE COMMENT BECAUSE ONLY THE MOST RATIONAL HUMANS TAKE TIME OUT OF THEIR DAY TO TELL A STRANGER WHY THEY SUCK
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
My second child was so overdue, when we left the hospital we dropped her off at kindergaten.
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Weighing yourself is like the sex. It’s always best if you get naked first…
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
So it turns out that the cookie dough flavored toothpaste I have been using is actually just normal cookie dough.
How much for the soulmate?
Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
my answer to the age old ‘trolley problem’ ? I would simply also lay down on the tracks.
Found my chapstick in my pants pocket before it went through the washer or the dryer in case anyone is looking for a life coach.