Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
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Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
“What’s the worst thing that could happen?” isn’t supposed to be a challenge.
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please stop making her go to work
Me: Throw in a few extra this time.
Pharmacist: We’ve talked about this.
You can’t satisfy me in bed,
you’re not 7 pillows.
A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
Yes, my date did get up and leave during dinner but luckily she hadn’t finished her food.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
My favorite way to eat eggs is inside chocolate cake mix.
Farms in Mexico are measured in Hectors.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
This is no longer winter this is harassment
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
That’s what I call a flat tire
A dating app for angry people- Grumble
A bug on my hood as I’m leaving the driveway. Suddenly I’m the nameless adult in a Disney movie ferrying him away from all he’s ever known.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
Her: We need to talk
Me: *tucking in my pet racoon* Why?