*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
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My son is the reason I get out of bed every morning. Otherwise, he might attempt to make his own breakfast.
They say the more people you see joggin in a neighborhood the more expensive property taxes will be…That’s why I never jog bc I’m just a really really good neighbor
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Life is like a box of chocolates,
The good ones are always gone before I get there!
I always thought that saying, ‘the more, the merrier’ was referring to alcohol, not people.
Now it doesn’t make any sense at all.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
Me, passing on the wisdom of my ancestors to my kids: It’s “righty tighty, lefty loosey.”
Just how popey was the pope today?
After my ex and I broke up, I was in a really bad place (Florida)
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Me to my children: I would kill and die for you
Also me to my children: I AM NOT YOUR DAMN MAID AND WILL BURN ALL THE SHIT ON YOUR BEDROOM FLOORS IN A MASSIVE BONFIRE AND DANCE AROUND THE FLAMES IN GLORY AND RAGE
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
WRITER: A drifter & a rich lady fall in love
WALT DISNEY: Can they be dogs?
WR: A woman steals a couple’s baby
WD: Can the baby be 101 dogs?
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Me: I love living in a place with four seasons.
Me, the first day I have to scrape ice off my car: Screw this entire state.
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
Me:
My dad:
Me:
My dad: when was the last time u checked ur oil
ME: There’s something disgusting in my food
WAITER: Our plates are reflective
Amuse yourself at dinner parties by stealing one of their forks and replacing it with one of your own
When I weakly slam the microwave door, but it doesn’t latch and springs back to smack me in the face… I probably deserved that.
Pretty sure airport food was priced by children just learning about numbers.
“Ok Brian, how much should this apple cost?” SIXTY TWO DOLLARS!
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?
BOSS: no
ME: is it because I won’t take no for an answer?