Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
You Might Also Like
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
Had I known you were coming I would have baked a cake. Instead you get to watch me decapitate an iguana. You should call ahead.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
Hear me out: a dating service that matches you based on your food delivery orders like “this person also ordered Chinese food five nights in a row”
With regard to that five second rule – do they have to be consecutive seconds?
Adam: happy Mother’s Day, Eve
Eve: it’s tomorrow
Adam: happy Mother’s Day Eve
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
Sue from work says putting zucchini in her brownie makes it incredibly moist. I told Sue I’ve had similar successes.
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
[bartender hands lady drink] courtesy of the gentleman down there
[she takes a sip] is this –
[me from the end of the bar] IT’S MILK
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Me: Ugh how can people live like this?!
Him: This is our house.
Me: What the Hell happened?
Him: We had kids.
Me: Oh. Right.
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
[Cops break down door]
Gang Leader: How did you find us?Cop: One of you left prints all over the scene.
Me: *Licking Cheeto dust off fingers* My bad.
I cleaned out my junk drawer and now I have 2 junk drawers.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
your stripper name is the first two words you see in a newspaper headline while on the phone with your wife pretending to be an old British woman so you can be her nanny and spend more time with your kids
Hub: What time is our movie tonight?
Me: 7:30. It’s 2 hours 50 minutes
Hub: WHAT! I CANT STAY UP TILL 10:30
“Back off ladies. He’s mine”
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.