Bookshop in Fowey, Cornwall.
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The best thing about lockdown is that we’ve been able to potty train our 3 year old.
No pressure to go anywhere
Can stroll around freely with no underwear
Lots of rewards and stickersAnd the best part is all this applies to our 3 year old too
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I think as Canadians we’re so nice because we focus all our hatred on geese
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
*hears someone breaking into my house*
Me from upstairs: Don’t you dare touch the last piece of chocolate cake!
The lady helping my wife design a dining room table handed me a note reading “blink if you’re being held against your will”
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money
My neighbor told me to close the curtains when I’m naked, but then I don’t get that cool sensation of pressing up against the window glass
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
So apparently I’ve been Googling ‘Asian Prom’ this whole time.
I watched like seven videos before I realized they weren’t going to bang.
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Why do they tell you a towns population when you drive passed it. Oh 4000 people live there? That’s perfect. I actually need 4000 people
Act normal. Act normal. Act normal. ActnormalactnormalactnormalACTNORMALDAMNITactnormal
police sketch artist: you sure his ears were this long
me: i thought we were doing a silly one
If a huge bird swooped down and snatched my infant I’m not sure if I’d scream, “my god, my baby!” or “Honey, Honey, get the bird book!”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?