You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
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Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Mark Zuckerberg has the right to your firstborn male child. You agreed to this when you played FarmVille in 2009.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
Me: *Walks into therapy with an iced coffee*
Therapist: You’re late again
Me: oH No HoW dOeS tHaT mAkE yOu FeEl, DeBoRaH
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
They stopped making ghosts just after the civil war. You’ll never see a ghost with a man bun or hitting a juul
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Don’t call me “Dad”, please call me by my professional title, “Half-Eaten Food Connoisseur Broken Toy Engineer Butt-Wipeologist”.
A lot to unpack here…
But…girl rabbits don’t either.
Also…does Christ lay eggs?
wasn’t it like… bad on that boat?
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
My therapist: try working on your active listening skills
Me: goes home and binges Peaky Blinders with no subtitles