Can I get a Hallelujah?
Hallelujah!
Can I get an Amen?
Amen!
Can I get you to watch my kids for five minutes?
*crickets*
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*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
If I could be any animal I’d pick a turtle, strictly for the chance, however slight, I could be turned into a ninja.
2yo: daddy play with me!
Me: okay!!
2yo: *points* sit right here.
Me: okay.
2yo: NO DADDY DON’T SIT THERE!
Me: okay.
2yo: DON’T SAY OKAY!
Me: okayyyyyyy.
The older you get the farther away your toenails are when they need a trim
Her: What’s that account pin again?
Me: 051598
Her: Our wedding anniversary?
Me: Yes…they recommended for security purposes that I pick a number that’s insignificant.
Her:
Me: (immediately starts vacuuming)
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
today my sister said “I thought of you because I saw the stupidest tweet. just the dumbest freaking tweet” this went on for ten minutes
Parenting is a minefield. Just because they loved Hotel Transylvania doesn’t mean they’ll love The Shining. Lesson learned.
What if ants aren’t insects at all but are vehicles that even smaller insects drive to work?
it’s not about the cards you’re dealt, but how you play the hand you’ve got hidden up your sleeve
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Personal question. #JustSaying
That’s what I call a flat tire
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Fun Fact: There are only 4 actors in the entire United Kingdom at any one time and they take turns playing every role in every British TV show and movie. Here they currently are:
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
DATE: Ooh, such long fingers
ME: Yeah, know what other long body part I have?
D: I have an idea *sexy wink*
M: My intestines are about 30ft
I’m going to invent an app that tells you where the nearest bar is with no guy on a stool playing acoustic guitar.
A guy that lurks in front of a girl’s window every night then gives her “magical” powder to make her fly high.
~ Peter Pan
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
Your whole life changes when your older kid is finally old enough to babysit your younger kid.
Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Pancake mix is too runny. Adds mix. Pancake mix is too thick. Adds water. Feeds family 120 pancakes.