You know you are Canadian when 0°c and sunny is beautiful warm day…
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They named it Galaxy Note because when you take this thing out of your pocket, the entire Galaxy can note that it’s been taken out.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
[Adopts emotional support dog]
Me: *Vents*
Dog: Runs away*
what idiot named them “in-flight movies” instead of “Jetflix”
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[family picnic]
ME: *flipping brats on the grill*
WIFE: have you seen the kids
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
After watching a movie you can find interviews, commentaries, trivia. When you finish a book there’s one thread from 2014 asking if the author has apologized for their inaccurate portrayal of arthritis.
hoping jesus comes back soon, preferably on a monday, so we can get another holiday
Prime ribs are just like regular ribs except they’re only divisible by themselves.
Doggies just call it style.
[months from now]
CDC: aight it’s safe to go outside
Me: *now fluent in 6 languages, daily phone calls with grandma, black belt, 8 hours+ sleep each night, skin looks AMAZING, befriended a spunky spider under the fridge* are…are you sure?
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
Do you realize that if real women had the same proportions as Barbie they’d be only 11.5 inches tall?
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
4-year-old: What’s that?
Me: A vegetable you won’t like. If you don’t tell Mom, I’ll take it from you.
*eats her bacon*
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
At Christmas, it’s important to pause and remember all those who have wronged you this year and how you can wreak vengeance on them in 2017
[judging dog show]
DOG: [barks]
ME: [ticks clipboard] This one’s working fine
AUDIENCE MEMBER: You have misunderstood what’s required of you
This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen