Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
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Bought myself an Xbox so when one of the kids asks me for something I can tell them I’ll do it after this level.
If I offended anyone in the last 24 hours sorry but I forgot my medication and I ran out or premium beer and my son’s dating a scientologist
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
I’ve never been into sports so some friends were explaining why they love college football and the intense competition and loyalty and I said “So it’s like the Great British Baking Show but violence instead of cake” and they did not like that extremely accurate comparison.
If you try to teach me a lesson I will flunk on purpose, how dare you
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
I’ve been anticipating all his needs and trying to be more on time with all of his demands. I really hope my cat picks me for employee of the month this time.
My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.
[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.
If you add a touch of olive oil to your pan of kale, it will help slide it into the garbage.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain this gap in your résumé?”
Me: “I fell asleep on the space key.”
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
I kept my married name. I don’t hate anyone enough to go to the DMV.
Perks of dating me: You will be the hot one
Never let them know your next move 😂
GUY: I wish girls liked comics.
GIRL: I love comics.
GUY: Oh really? Then what’s the Hulk’s favorite flavor ice cream?
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?
Me: Sunscreen?
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
[couple tossing baby back and forth]
[music stops]
judge: custody granted
dad: [holding baby] AW DAMMIT
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Congratulations to our winner, Todd, who correctly guessed there were “hella jellybeans” in the jar.
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
[opening day at fast food place]
manager: all the orders in?
employee: yes.
manager: the electrical all set?
employee: yes.
manager: and the chairs. do they grate loudly against the floors?
employee: yes.
manager: perfect. we’re ready.