Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
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When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Me: Guinness (dog) you want some bacon?
Siri: I’m completely satisfied with what I got!
Guinness: …
(tilts her head)
At some point, a guy looked at an onion that was clearly purple & called it red. AND WE’RE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN.
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
harry potter: this meeting could’ve been an owl
Still trying to convince my boss that I’m just using beer-flavoured toothpaste.
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
An esteemed colleague told me he hard-boils eggs in the morning, uses them as pocket warmers, and then has them as a little mid-morning snack when he gets to work.
Truly, the line between genius and madness is very thin.
My wife makes us recycle everything.
*empties condom into sink*
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
My wife just found a coupon for lice treatment and yelled to everyone in the house “if you’re gonna get lice, people, get it now!”
8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
To celebrate Halloween I made my scary movie hating husband watch, “Paranormal Activity” with me, waited till he fell asleep and ran through the house with powder in my socks leaving strange otherworldly footprints for him to find. The exorcism is being scheduled as we speak.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
I HAVE A LITTLE MERMAID BAND-AID UNDER MY EYE CAUSE I’M IN A GANG NOW.
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.