“He be dead.”
Who? Your English teacher?
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ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
‘Please, I need this’, I whisper as I try to steal a baby goat from the petting zoo.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
When my hairdresser asked me if I intentionally styled my hair like that, I panicked.
I told her someone jumped me in the parking and styled it. I’m a quick thinker you know.
I bought myself hot pink earbuds so my son would quit stealing them and now my wife stole my earbuds.
Me: Hey look in the water, there’s a bloodstained oar
Friend: That’s foreboding
Me: Damn it Gary I know what they’re for, stop patronizing me
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
I bought a Mr. Microphone at a garage sale. Now I’m driving around yelling at bad drivers.
Best 25¢ I’ve ever spent.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
[at parent-teacher night]
Teacher:*looking at my coffee tumbler*
I see you’re a coffee enthusiast, tooMe: Coffee? Oh…yeah, coffee*wink*
I didn’t sign up for the 401k at work, because there’s no way I can run that far.
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
When did we get a dog?
-me, getting into the wrong gray minivan at Target
You girls are so cute, talking about crumbs in your bra. I found a missing hiker in mine.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
In Russia, Pokemon find you.
I would never let MY child act like that.
-things my friends without kids say.
Never confuse a colostomy bag with a whoopie cushion.
Totally ruined Grandpa’s 90th birthday.
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
LEGALIZE MEDICINAL MURDER
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
“You put the clothes in the washer, and then you put them in the dryer, then, on the third day, you fold them and put them away.” – my kid, totally blowing up my spot while explaining how laundry is done
Sure, 50% of marriages end in divorce and yeah, that’s sad.
But 100% of married people will die, and isn’t that a greater tragedy?
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*