Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
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Not sure where I went wrong, he said he liked “it wild” so I crawled through his window dressed as Pennywise and dragged him into the woods but; maybe he’s not into redheads.
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
The only time I get anxiety is when I’m picking up a prescription for my wife and the pharmacists asks me for her birth date.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
Girl A: We aren’t actually six years old. We’re six HUNDRED!
Girl B: Yeah. We look this young because we’re actually WITCHES and we take POTIONS to stay young!
Me: Right. But why would you choose to be 1st graders?
Girl B: Uh…
Girl A: It is possible we took too many potions.
ACCEPTABLE RISK
Age 12: My parents could find out!
Age 21: This’ll either get me high or kill me!
Age 45: That might get stuck in my teeth.
Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.
My kids at 7am: What’s for breakfast? Can I play Xbox? What are we doing today? What’s blue plus blue make?
Me:
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
No way!
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
I have a solar eclipse every two minutes inside my living room ever since my toddler learned how to open & close the blinds.
My 4yo is singing a song called “it’s Tuesday” and it’s just her singing those two words over and over interspersed with high pitched shrieks and she can’t get in the bath until she’s done and I have no idea when that’ll be. And the worst part of all this? It’s not even Tuesday.
hey pistachios how about taken the shells off we don’t want those sweetie
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
I bet the worst thing about being abducted is the whole country knows your real weight.
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
I don’t need two-day delivery. Whatever I order shows up the second I step outside the door in my underwear.
before meds: i hate everything
after meds: *with enthusiasm* i hate everything
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles