Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
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Me: *holds an old lady’s hand as I cross the street*
Cop: Where …. Where is the rest of her??!!!
When people are flirting in the replies to your tweet.
If Pepsi was smart… They would make a Coke flavor Pepsi!!!
Every time I see a jogger that looks like they’re just about to pass out from running I always think, “Do they know they don’t need to be jogging?”
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
stop abbreviating phrases where every word has one syllable (OMG, ILY). start abbreviating long sentences. that’s how u save time. ILYFYB (i’m leaving you for your brother) or SWAYTAIUMELFY (stacy what are you talking about i uprooted my entire life for you). much easier
Ever sat cross-legged on the floor, only to realize too late that you’re too old to do that & you can’t get up but you’re too embarrassed to ask for help and please send someone I’ve been here for 2 days.
* breathing heavy and trying to keep up with the girl on the treadmill next to me
“So…what are you doing…after they…revive me?”
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
A ghost story
Someone told me I’ve gained weight. I told them it was for a part in a movie. I’ve never acted in my life. Until that moment.
Wake me when AI does housework
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
“Penguins mate for life. Isn’t that romantic?”
You open your mouth to answer but I spit my chewed up cake into it.
“You’re my penguin.”
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
If you put dry teabags in shoes they absorb the odor. So your shoes smell good but the tea tastes so bad it’s almost not worth it
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
My 12yo threatened to defenestrate me and I told him he’s ‘maybe in so much trouble’ and to ‘hold it right there mister’ while I Googled. Like a boss.
whenever I’m feeling overwhelmed i remember that i could be in the middle ages and in charge of getting those heavy af castle doors closed before the enemies enter.
I have three brothers but to keep dad on his toes only a couple of us got in trouble at a time.
As my grandma used to say, if a bear is sitting on your couch, you’ve drunk too much. If you’re not drunk, why aren’t you running?
Troll: Horrible thing.
Me: Horrible thing back.
Troll: I was just giving my honest opinion.
Me: Me too.
Troll: But…
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
I’m an independent thinker. The guy on YouTube that I have based my entire life around told me so
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
If I was named Edward Normus, I’d use my first name’s initial and my last name as much as I possibly could.