Yup….perfect score!
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Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
It’s a real dilemma for me when I’m confronted with a moral issue that wasn’t examined by the writers of the original Star Trek.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
I love movies from the 70s because they’re like “it’s okay to be sweaty for no reason” which is important to me
My 7yr old walked up with a candy wrapper she’d found in the garbage “WHAT is this? Did YOU eat this?” “Yes, I bought it. At the store. With my own money.” I replied, beads of sweat forming on my forehead. I didn’t do anything wrong but oh how I felt like I really, really did.
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
the craziest thing about plants is like you look up “why are leaves brown” and it’s like “maybe you’re watering them too much. but also maybe not enough. maybe they’re getting too much sunlight. but also maybe they’re not getting enough sunlight. hope this helps :)”
If my TV’s so smart then why doesn’t it slap me when I turn on the news?
[at church]
ME: the fabric on these pews is so soft
HER: omg put your pants back on
Ok hear me out ….A smoke detector that turns off when you scream “I’m only cooking “
dating apps are crazy. How are your first two interests “Harry Potter” and “mindfulness”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
When people’s driving tweets end mid sentence, did the paramedics find their phone and hit send?
*speed dating bell rings
Me: Why are you breaking up with me?
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
if you’re literally asking me to choose between our relationship and my career as a reporter well then I’ve got some news for you
Non violent offenders should be given community service & bangs
Is one of the steps in the P90X workout to tell everyone on Facebook that you’re doing it?
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
[family hears me pull in driveway]
wife: please don’t
wrestling announcer: sorry ma’am he already paid me. NOW ENTERING THE HOUSE FROM WORK
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”
Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.