One of our doctors has such good handwriting, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s really qualified.
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The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
[ First day as a bartender ]
Me: *unzips customers pants*
Him: wtf!?
Me: you said make it stiff
This is what makes twitter great
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
In zoom meetings I try to sit as still as possible so that people think my connection is bad and don’t call on me
Maybe if Red Bull gave me buffalo wings i’d give a shit.
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
Inside you there are two wolves. One wants wings. The other also wants wings but remembers how their stomach felt after eating wings
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Not sure why “Cats” didn’t work, it follows a classic 3 act structure —
ACT ONE: Cats introduce themselves
ACT TWO: Cats continue to introduce themselves
ACT THREE: Unclear
I’ve never been a backseat driver. My arms aren’t long enough.
satan: not today, microsoft teams
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Sorry kids, no visiting the chocolate factory till you finish your tour of the slaughterhouse
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
ME: *doing deadlifts* more weight
PALLBEARER: *reluctantly adds another body*
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there