Letting your friend have the last mozzarella stick is the ultimate snackrifice
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Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
america, 1969: let’s put a man on the moon
teletubbies, 1997: we’re gonna put a baby in the sun
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Dude warned me he doesn’t always respond to texts right away.
It’s been 476 days. Dude wasn’t playin
This BMI chart says I’m starting to get too short, how do I fix this?
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
I complain about my kids a lot but I’d be lost without them. Lost in my expensive sports car in designer clothes. Or lost in my clean house.
I definitely have more respect for teachers after homeschooling for the past few weeks. On the other hand, I should probably figure out whose kid this is. Anybody missing a math prodigy with a runny nose?
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
As the Lord intended
RoboCop: *about to arrest me*
Me: before you arrest me, which of these 9 pictures have cars in them
RoboCop: I’m going to let you off with a warning
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
Sure I have empathy. I sense you want some of my coffee and I feel really terrible for you.
I bet homophobic guys get reincarnated into condoms.
All I’m saying is, no word’s meaning changes more as you age than the word party.
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
“Hope you don’t mind, I just like to smoke a little after sex” I say tossing the entire body of a salmon over a charcoal pit
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
walk up to the mightiest oak in the forest and punch it. now laugh as you climb into its branches to let the other trees know you’re insane