You aren’t a real Metallica fan unless you hate all but 2 of their albums
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Sweardle is the 4-letter expletive-only version of Wordle. I can’t help but think they’ve missed a trick, however, by not calling it Angry Words.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
her: let’s make a baby
me: *getting the lego set from under the bed* ok
I get fat really quickly for someone who doesn’t want to
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
“A little help here, Danny?”
Shout out to police that ask to see your driver’s license. You gotta hand it to them.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
That awkward moment when someone asks if you’ve dyed your hair and you say no, its just clean.
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
Hell hath no fury like a little league team when a parent forgets the after-game snack.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
“I’m so hungry, I could eat a human baby.” Everyone in Whole Foods stares at me stunned “Corn-fed organic of course, I’m not a monster.”
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
[sees ghost in my room]
Ghost: don’t be scared
Me: I’m not
Ghost [points to wet patch]: you’re a little scared
Me [nervously]: oh no a ghost
Americans Celebrate 10 Millionth ‘Bring Yourself To Work Day’
Me: Now watch this amazing parallel parking job…
Wife: *Eyes roll
Me: You can’t see it with your eyes up there
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*