Just because I’m Irish doesn’t mean I am always drunk. It means I always want to be.
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The smallest amount of kindness can change the trajectory of one’s day. But on the flip side a good small pinch on the outside of the upper arm can also change the trajectory of one’s day.
All I can say is, choose wisely.
never compromise your values
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
[interview at winery]
What strengths do you bring to the job?
*long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer*
Are you being serious right now
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
“The Walking Dad,” but it’s just a guy walking around the house turning off lights and muttering that he’s “not made of money”
Roses are red, violets are-
Guy who named red onions: Blue! Violets are definitely blue!
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
Lorde wrote her Grammy nominated album at age 14. My son is 13 and has let the bathtub overflow twice while he was sitting INSIDE of it.
Waiter: And what would you like sir?
Me: I’d like the entire restaurant to stop gasping every time I say something.
Entire restaurant: *gasps*
I will turn off your post-apocalyptic movie the first time I spot a woman with shaved pits
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
*hands a turd to the teacher
Teacher: What’s this?!
Me: My dog ate my homework.
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
ME: I have the blood of my enemies on my face and hands
BF: That’s salsa
[last taco on my plate is visibly shaking]
me forcing my cat to look at the screen while we watch alien (1979): do you see how ripley is able to save jonesy from the alien because he lets her pick him up and put him in a carrier?
who is Godzilla’s least favorite relative? his MOTHRA-IN-LAW
“Wtf it’s been 3 hours”
– me, drunk, waiting for a pizza I never ordered
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Heading to an estate sale to collect some cool stuff for my estate sale when I die.