I don’t mind the thought of guardian angels watching over me. I just want them to stop giggling when I shower.
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Me: “I wish I was super hot…”
Menopause: “I got you, boo.”
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
The Beyond Meat COO was arrested for biting a man’s nose. Once again proving you just can’t beat the real thing.
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
$19.99 because $20 is an outrageous amount of money!
i’m very suspicious about solar panels. they sit outside sunbathing and they. make energy? yet when i do that i just become a big red freckle? something odd is going on here and it makes me uncomfortable
Is that two bananas in your pocket or are you happy to see me and also have one banana in your pocket?
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
*buys premium quality kitten food. Serves it in high quality vet recommended cat bowl.*
Cat: Is that dirt on the floor? Nom nom nom!
I have complicated opinions on the death penalty. I think it’s wrong but I also think that owners of cash-only establishments should get it.
Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
in the song “the final countdown” they do not actually count down, thus invalidating the basis of the song. furthermore,
I’ve been dating a girl online who I think might be a Catfish. Every time I try to meet, her excuse is that she “can’t survive on dry land.”
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
a relationship should be 50/50. 50% donkey 50% dragon
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
“No thanks, I’m vegan,” is apparently not funny when someone hands you a baby. 🤭
If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.
They should sell edibles at the airport with the slogan “make every flight a red eye”. This would make approximately 600 billion dollars
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
The package says “Serves 4” but my dadbod says “challenge accepted”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?
These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
Him: I won’t bore you with the details.
Me: Too late for that.