Homosexuality is found in over 450 species. Homophobia is only found in two. Help us get rid of the Ecuadorian fag-hating spider 🙁
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If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
No one has done the dishes for like a week so I finally did the responsible thing and bought some paper plates.
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
I once had a girlfriend and then she got to know me.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
A woman at work told me I look younger with my glasses off. I told her she looked younger with my glasses off, too.
Me: I just ran into your brother.
Friend: How’s he doing?
Me: Not so good. I ran into him pretty hard.
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
While Twitter was down yesterday, I managed to finish my book report on War and Peace…. of course it was due in 1978, but that’s not really relevant here.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
If by “anything” you mean “anything I can do from my couch,” then yes, I will do anything for you.
inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
Me : Well, despite the difficulties, we’ve made the best of a bad situation
Life: Yeah, I’m going to need those lemons back
yes yes a thousand times yes!
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
INVENTOR OF SOUP: [holding water in one hand and sandwich in the other] wat if… wat if water was mor like sandwich
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
I’ve never met a day I couldn’t ruin.
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.
THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.