Kid: Mommy’s last name must be “Honey” cuz that’s what daddy calls her
Teacher: That’s SWEET. What’s her first name?
Kid: “Sorry,” I think
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Apparently doctors don’t like it when you ask them what the street value of your pain meds is.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
His and her closets is code for “she gets two closets.”
The five stages of Sunday: depression, anger, bargaining, acceptance, HBO
Hairstylist: so one of your sisters knows how to knit, crochet, and sew and the other one is an amazing cook/baker. What do you know how to do?
Me: Buy stuff
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
I’m at my most optimistic when I believe I can cancel a free trial subscription before it expires.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
HOW MANY ANTS HAVE YOU HAD TONIGHT, SIR?
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
It’s ok to not have a Valentine on Valentine’s Day. I didn’t have a groundhog on Groundhog’s Day
Drunk me tried to tear up all your photos and sober me had to buy a new phone screen.
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
girl at the bar: You’re funny
me *brings her over to meet my wife* Tell her what you said
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
me *sneezes*
cw: Bless you
me *sneezes*
cw: Allergies?
[flashback to me snorting pepper because my kid dared me to]
me: Yeah, I guess so
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes