Felt sad that rabbits ate all my marigolds.
Then felt glad that I don’t have to water them anymore.
Suburban life is a roller coaster.
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Age 15: kids are stupid
Age 25: kids are stupid
Age 35: I love my kids but kids are stupid
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
The trick is to leave enough details online so that a determined mysterious rich uncle can find you but not enough so random murderers can.
For the baby who has everything
I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.
So hot these last few days I’ve consumed 1,473,968 gallons of water and only peed 3 times
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Neighbor asked me over for coffee and said ‘make yourself comfortable’, so I did, I went home.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
Warning: the life you are about to lead contains strong language, adult situations and nudity. Exister discretion is advised.
I would argue that a small puppy is more work than a newborn baby because imagine if you had to pick up your son and run outside for him to poop in the yard every time he got a certain look in his eye and half the time all he did was attempt to eat every stick out there
When I die, instead of being cremated or buried, I’d like my body to be thrown out of a tree onto a group of teens
Nice try, horror movies, but the scariest thing I’ve ever seen is still a 4-year-old holding a sharpie without the cap.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
What do I “do for fun”? I’m an adult. It’s a good day if nothing breaks in my house, I don’t need Ibuprofen, and my favorite laundry detergent goes on sale.
ME: Just don’t touch my Pop Tarts and we’ll be okay
PRIEST: *stunned* I’d like to remind everyone that the couple chose to write their own vows
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
her, deep in thought: *does that cute thing where she puts the tip of the frames of her glasses in her mouth*
me, deeper in thought: *eats my glasses*
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Can someone call me right now? I’m at the dog park and my ringtone is a doorbell.
Me, trying to be quiet walking through the house this morning:
My knees and ankles: “Let me sing you the song of my people!”