I just opened a Valentine’s Day card that was filled with heart confetti. I don’t remember the last time I was this angry.
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My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
Tried out a new set of long handled surgical forceps.
In lesser news, It turns out that I didn’t need that toenail after all.
What idiot called it endangered ocean population instead of deficiency?
No, I’m not a “Trekkie”…
I’ve never even seen Star Wars.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Inflation has me feeling like I’m back in college cause I’m living off of ramen most days.
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Age is somewhat irrelevant as “seen some shit” years will age you faster than anything else.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
If you hate being single, imagine being with someone who sets 10 alarms to wake up each day and sleeps through every one of them.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
Whatever, low battery indicator. You’re not the boss of
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
[watching scary part of movie]
10YR OLD: don’t worry, Dad… I’ll just delete my brain file that’s recording this part before I go to bed
ME: [trying not to appear visibly freaked out] cool
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
If only there was a way to brag about how we cut our oatmeal.
– inventor of steel
20: pulls an all nighter with the boys
40: pulls a hamstring adjusting the boys
FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.
Me: It’s not what you said, it’s the way you said it!
Husband: *Doesn’t even realize we had a conversation*
They’re upping my charges from prank bomb to non-Arab terrorism.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
genie: you get three wishes
me: i wish you were terrible at math
genie: ok you’re out of wishes
me: wait no
I went to a singles event once. I didn’t see one slice of Kraft cheese.
I consider that false advertising.
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
Them: you’re fired
Me: Well GOOD LUCK dealing with this mess when I’m gone *gesturing to my crumb-covered workspace*