NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
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Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
[funeral home]
DIRECTOR: Your uncle got hit by a bus?
ME: Yeah.
DIRECTOR: Do you want a quote on the headstone?
ME: Like what?
DIRECTOR: Well, did he have any last words?
ME: Yes.
breaking: schrute farms has banned kanye, no beets for him.
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
Anyone can beat a polygraph.It doesn’t even have hands.
ME: Brad’s here
HUSBAND: Brad who needs space or Brad who’s paranoid about being murdered?
BRAD: OMG u 2 are smothering me
ME: I’ve no idea
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
guy creating teenage mutant ninja turtles: so theyre teens, theyre turtles, whats something only the coolest teens do?
co-worker with a ponytail: karate
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
God has left this place
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.
My family asked me what I wanted for Mother’s Day, so I packed their bags and changed the locks.
I went to type “kill me” and it changed to “milk me.” I don’t even know what else to say now.
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
SIRI, CALL FOR HELP! Searching for kelp. OMGYOU IDIOT! SIRI, GET AN AMBULANCE! There are 23 listings for lap dance in your area.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…a raise?
HR: You know we monitor internet usage right?
Me: I’d like to report a hacking!
NURSE: ur concerned about ur patient huh? Youve been pacing in circles for 10 mins
DR DOG: haha no im just trying to find a spot to lie down
TREE: omg what happened to you
LOG: i was hacked
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move