I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
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McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Me: I can’t sleep
My cat: lol what if I walked all over you right now
I got hit on by a 23 yr old today, like wtf am I supposed to do with her? Give her lunch money?
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
I deliberately mispronounce ‘quinoa’ and then adjust the server’s tip according to how condescending they are when they correct me.
*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
So because my friend helped me move, now I’m expected to go help him move? How is that fair?
Pretty much everyone I’ve ever met has told me to stop exaggerating
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Me: I guess I’ll take four dollars
Wendy’s Drive thru cashier: That’s not how the dollar menu works
Apple want $3,500 for their Vision Pro. No thanks. I can look like a dork for free.
I secretly hope that twitter keeps extending the character limit as a social experiment, slowly conditioning our attention spans until we’re able to read actual books again
I hate when people do that thing in traffic that I also do.
In Hillary’s defense. A lot of your friends probably give you $15,000,000 a few times a year and don’t expect anything in return.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
[Youth Pastor voice] You know who else got a surprise visit from the authorities?
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
*sees a ghost*
omg dont haunt me please i dont wana b scared
“dude i literaly experienced the horors of death so maybe this isnt about you”