FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
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Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
Goodnight honey.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
The stork flies them in.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Wind resistance. Go to sleep.
Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.
If mobile wallets do away with credit cards, they’ll need to come up with an app that can scrape my windshield.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
saving face 👀
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
I like washing dishes by hand because it relaxes my mind, plus you can use the steak knives to play Wolverine.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
I just spent more time trying to get a stuck Junior Mint out of the box than I did studying for some exams in school.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
The bleeding walls and voice saying “Get out” I can live with but the inadequate natural light in the breakfast nook is intolerable.
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
As Caesar dies on the Senate floor, ‘With or Without You’ starts to play. “U2, Brutus?” He sighs, coughing wearily as the world fades away.
abandoning Dry January after I learned that January is 31 days and not seven hours
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
Family: What do you want to do for Mother’s Day?
All Moms: Not have to decide what we are doing for Mother’s Day, for starters.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
The adult life I imagined as a child involved less laundry and more group dance numbers.
A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
*putting 4 to bed*
Me: we’re going to have a better day tomorrow, right?
4: no
Me: I just mean there was too much crying and whining today… so let’s try less crying and whining tomorrow
4: no, I won’t do that
Me:
4:
Me: ok, good talk
4: no