I’m sick of everybody in this house.
-me, who lives alone.
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Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
u spoke cat all this time??????
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
I’ve never had a better karate instructor than a spider web.
Sarah Palin’s new Christmas book is her attempt at valuing the sanctity Christmas so she can sell books and make money just like baby Jesus.
Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
hey maybe ur parents care so much about ur birthday becuase it celebrates how long theyve been able to keep something alive for
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
People who think this giraffe is taking forever to give birth have never listened to my daughter tell a story.
The woman that cleaned my house could make a lot of money by threatening to release the before and after photos
The thing about minigolf is you can only make the putt in 2 strokes or 16. There is no in between.
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
Neighbor’s rooster hacks & crows like he’s been a lifelong smoker
Just because I choose not to drink doesn’t automatically make me no fun. That is a separate choice, which I’ve also made.
Princess Peach: Something’s different. You seem taller.
Luigi wearing Mario’s red overalls: No, nothing is different. It’sa me, Mario.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[restaurant]
*motions for waiter*
Waiter! Bill please!
*Bill comes out & dances embarrassingly to entertain me & the guests*
Thanks Bill!
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.