Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
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[Friend who gave birth a week ago]
“I’m on the treadmill!”
[Me who gave birth 18 years ago]
“My tailbone still hurts”
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
s
oc
i
a
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waitress: what can i get you to drink?
me: house margarita.
waitress: [slowly] margarita good
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
DATE: this bread is dry. you should talk to the manager
ME: ok *waves over manager*
MANAGER: can I help you?
ME: tell her to shut up about the bread
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
[nudging the person next to me on the bus until they remove their earbuds]
hey i think i saw a horse a couple miles back
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
Felt like crap, so I drank an energy drink. Now I’m talking really fast and cleaning things I didn’t even know I owned.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
The older I get, the less judgy I am of Norman Bates spending his life with a dead lady in a chair
Friend: I got an audition for the play that cannot be named
Me: *Nodding* Fight Club
What was Hitler’s preferred breast size? Not C’s.
And off to hell I go.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
3yo: daddy why is everyone wearing masks?
Me: *considering how honest I want to be with my toddler* Ninja invasion.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.