I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
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Sorry it took me 10 months to text you back. I’m a snake now and I typed this with my head.
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
Bagged lunch circa 1984
-sack of flour
-room temperature buttermilk
– note from mom saying “figure it out”
My wife gave me her Christmas list. I said, “isn’t my undying love & affection enough?”
We laughed and laughed. Now I’m at the purse store
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
Me: time for sleep
Brain: no we need to talk
Me: ugh not now brain
Brain: but this is important
Me: okay fine what is it brain
Brain: *sitting up* my name is brian
I live in a high crime neighbourhood if you count socks with sandals.
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
Long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.
I once survived an entire 5th grade dodgeball game without getting tagged and I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
Ever think about how carrots taste more like the color orange than oranges do?
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
A period can completely change the meaning of a sentence. For example:
She has her umbrella.
She has her period.
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy