What the dentist sees
You Might Also Like
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Bootstraps
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
When my wife says “You know, I’ve been thinking” there’s a 100% chance we’re ending up in a store.
Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined
[in car]
Wife: Dont tell ur arm story
Me: Im gonna stick to humorous stories 2nite babe
*at party*
AND THAT’S WHEN MY HUMOROUS BROKE IN HALF
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
I miss that time in my life when people asked easy questions, like “What’s your favorite color?” or “Where is your belly button?”.
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone if you want babies throwing rocks everywhere. Dangerous.
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
me on the way to work having not cooked anything in at least three weeks: shit, did i turn off the stove?
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Murdered!? Give our law firm a call today!
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
The advantage of being an adult is that I can totally do whatever I want. Unless it interferes with my kids’ school or swim practice or homework or when they fight or when they’re hungry or tired.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Before Twitter I had to disappoint people in person.
[Standards Bar]
Politician: Make it a double.
Lake Erie: Great Lake name
Lake Titicaca: Greater lake name
“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
[Interview with a Vampire]
Interviewer: hah, your resume says ‘bleedership skills’, what a funny typo!
Vampire: *nervously tapping fingers, not making eye contact*
Wife: How long has 5 been in the tub?
Me: I’m letting her soak before I wash her