Yes indeed, I am a morning person. Morning naps are my favorite
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being on Twitter right now is like playing the violin on the titanic except we are also making fun of the iceberg and the iceberg is getting genuinely mad
English is just 3 languages wearing a trenchcoat pretending to be one tall language
“‘ey kid READ THE SIGN!”
Parenting Tip:
Replace the word “nightmare” with “adventure”.
“This common core homework is an adventure for us both!”
“Grandma made us asparagus quiche so we can try an adventure meal!”
“Your endless harmonica practicing will haunt my deepest adventures.”
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.
Whoa new Barbie movie cast is stacked
[Driving w/date in car]
Date [turns radio to country]
Me [reaches over date, opens passenger door] This isn’t working. [Hits eject button]
Ran into my wife at the library when we were both supposed to be “out with friends”
Vladimir Putin seems like the kind of guy who would fake a sneeze and flip the board over when he’s losing at Risk.
Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:
Coke Zero sounds like a government pledge to eliminate fizzy drinks by 2030.
throwin a party tonight
goths $5
furries $5raccoons $10 since y’all wanna be both
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My husband got barbecue sauce on my mom’s favorite white tablecloth. For five whole minutes I wasn’t the biggest disappointment in her life.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Oh, you like astronomy? Name all the stars.
I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Me: “That meeting could just be an email…”
Also me: a person that regularly ignores emails
With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors