What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
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I don’t believe in lying to children… unless it’s about where the good snacks are hidden. Then it’s fine
presenting your incognito window wrapped
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
Me: how was school?
My daughter: ok but some of the boys decided to not wear masks and I did not need to see their faces.
I come from a long line of idiots. One of my ancestors was stabbed to death by his fellow Greeks for shouting ‘Brojan Horse amirite’ while waiting inside to ambush Troy.
football coach: i need you guys to make a play
(8 months later at opening night)
football coach: wait wtf is this
Thanks to a fan for this one.
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
There are not enough romantic comedies about a small town girl falling in love with a city pizza.
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Me: Goodnight Moon
Moon: Well hi there. I can’t hear you because I’m 240,000 miles away and sound doesn’t travel in space. Die in a fire.
13 pulled me away from my desk “to come and taste the pizza she made” and incidentally a sink full of dishes ready to wash.
When in doubt, ask yourself WWBD: What Would Beyoncé Do? Would she apply for a job? Nope. She’d just show up one day like “I work here now.”
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
When a Weeping Willow dies does it become Mourning Wood?
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
(in dog boss’ office)
“Smith, you’re fired.”
Fine. I guess I’ll just WALK out…
(boss’ tail starts wagging)
“Wait Smith get back here”
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.
1. You
2. All the other idiots
I imagine the hardest part about being vegan is getting up before sunrise to milk all of those almonds.
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
Don’t you hate noticing that an office memo says it’s for discussion purposes only and you have to unfold your paper airplane?
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
Why does everyone despise us lazy people so much? We didn’t do anything.
Damn, it wouldn’t even have OCCURED to me to say, “E Tu, Brute?”
I would’ve just been SCREAMING