I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
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Me sliding into hell like
If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
I have a hard time believing the inventor of Rock, Paper, Scissors was like “OMG this is so much fun!”
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
My favorite thing about babies is that none of them are mine.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
Ian: It’s done.
Mafia boss: Did you go anywhere nice?
I: What?
MB: Like a restaurant.
I: I killed him.
MB: I said take him out! Oh god, Tim!
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
If you love someone, tell them.
If they make a throat slash motion when they see you coming, it’s probably not reciprocated.
[after death]
me: what is this place?
guy: purgatory. you hang out until we decide if you’re going to heaven or hell
me: while i wait can you tell me a purgastory lol
guy: hell it is
ME: What’s in the bag?
FRIEND: A bicycle helmet for my kid.
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: Well, you know-
ME: When I was a kid, we didn’t wear helmets, and we turned out just fine.
FRIEND: …
ME: What’s in the bag?
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
my daddy woke me up at 7:30am to tell me the windows were down on my car so of course i thought there was another car for me outside💀 na i really left my windows down…
hate when people say “if u think this is better than sex, u haven’t had good sex!”, like no, maybe you’ve just never had good lasagna, Carol
My son is practicing his French horn and I love the arts, I was so excited for my kids to love them, but wow he’s pretty bad.
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Schools be like: make sure to buy your kid a glue stick that we will never use
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
Spring is finally here. Time to clean the dog shit in the yard.
A group of contradictions is called a “Bible.”
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.