Kid’s tiny friend: My mom sent me here as she is cleaning our house.
My kid: why is she cleaning, is anyone visiting?
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I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
The internet is magic sometimes.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
Folks have it easy today. If they need to see how to spell a word, they can Google it.
I had to use a dictionary. And not knowing how to spell the word was no help. I spent an hour in the T’s trying to find “pterodactyl” with no success.
hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
[Hall of Justice]
BATMAN: What a day…I just saved Gotham
SUPERMAN: For sure…I just saved the planet
AQUAMAN: I hear ya…I just got tangled up in some brine shrimp
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Your neighbor is a sleeper agent, but not from one of the serious countries.
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?
Home Alone: Abandoned by his loved ones, a young boy must survive a violent home invasion. (Family, Comedy)
A funny thing happened on the way to my potential.
I was eliminated as a contestant on Fear Factor after running screaming from a bee.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
FRIEND: do u want to hang out this weekend
ME: generic excuse
FRIEND: did u just say “generic excuse”
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Bet sidewalk and fireplace were named by the same person
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
me: i wish i were the most beautiful person in the world
genie: ok [snaps fingers]
me: [blushing] omg nothing has changed
genie: i tried but you’re just so ugly
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time