*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
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I never know at which syllable to stop when saying banananananana
Hypothetically speaking if someone wanted to feed their enemies to a tiger where would I… I mean where would one acquire a vicious extra carnivorousy tiger?
I’d like you to meet my family, my wife Sharon, my son Carl, and this balloon that follows me around
I had big plans to sleep in until 7, but my bladder canceled.
I’m at the point where my mind thinks I’m 29, my knees suggests I’m 80, and my back wonders why I’m not dead yet.
If Spiderman gets a lady pregnant, does she have 1 baby, or like 10,000?
Me realizing i have no idea what my friend just said:
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: That’s crazy
An hourglass timer, but it’s just my 7yo slowly pouring sand from his shoe when we’re running late.
The Constitution says nothing about it being illegal for cats to carry firearms and this worries me immensely.
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
They found Richard III’s skeleton in a parking lot. Time stamp on the ticket stub indicates he owes $8,432,773.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
Never judge a married man until you’ve walked on his eggshells.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
*wins oscar
I’d like to thank my legs,for always supporting me;my arms,who are always by my side& also my fingers,I can always count on them
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
Match dot com, but for socks.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
They said the kids that bullied me in school would be pumping my gas one day but 1 just got a modeling contract who do I talk to about this
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.