At the motel:
Front Desk: And here’s your key card sir ..
Me: I’d like a wakeup call.
FD: You’re 20 lbs. overweight and your fly’s open.
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Saw a homeless guy at McDonald’s begging for money, told him I’d buy him something to eat. He said no thanks, getting money for Taco Bell.
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Hey, people “liking” Walmart on Facebook – you OK?
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
Me: It’s so nice to be wearing a shirt that fits and isn’t stained.
Toothpaste: Hi
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
The microwave really puts 1 minute into perspective, doesn’t it?
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
4: mom can I sing just a short song?
me: yes
4: ok its only just three hours long I promise
narrator: it was in fact, only just three hours long
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
No matter how spicy your sex life is …
If he’s a two-thymer; cumin in that
ginger Rosemary, my sage advice …would bay to leaf him.
Oh the world we live in…
Mary and Joseph chose to have Jesus in a barn rather than spend Christmas with their families.
One advantage of adulthood is how easy it is to force my way to the front of the line at the ice cream truck.
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
*patting my infant son on the back*
you can fit a whole airplane in this baby
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
Out of all the cookies in the world, these HTTP cookies taste the worst.
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
*tops off beautiful woman’s wine glass* But what if you could, Sharon, what if you could control the cat with a Nintendo Power Glove?