I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.
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There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Women don’t consider it chivalrous when you open bathroom stall doors for them.
“How much for this melted ghost?”
Sir that’s a bed sheet
“You have a lot of them! And they’re packaged? IS THIS GHOST HELL”
This is a Macys
The art of conversation, otherwise known as two or more people each awaiting their chance to interrupt.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler just waking up from a nap.
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
Me, as a vampire: Tell me, mortal…have you eaten anything spicy in the last 24 hours?
[phone]
H: What’s for dinner?
M: I’m having vodka. As for you, I have no idea.
H: Should I stop and get something?
M: Yes, more vodka.
Phone
Me: *confused* You’re still making toast?
Mom: I made toast but I knocked the plate over — but it landed right side up! The toast didn’t even touch the ground!
Me: Oh good
Mom: Then (her dog) ran & he brought it to me like a toy! In his mouth. *sigh* So I’m making toast
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
There’s this guy at work who’s giving his wife a gym membership & a vegetable juicer for her birthday tomorrow.
His name was Tom.
My coworker Tim fell down the stairs and nobody laughed when I yelled “TIMBERRRRRR”
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
[on phone with quit smoking coach]
coach: give me 3 triggers you have that make you want a cigarette so we can work on coping skills
me: wow, i’m lucky! i only have 1
coach: that’s great! what is it?
me: being awake
An odd boast
[at my funeral]
pastor: hey this casket is empty
me [whispering from the bushes]: get to the part where everyone cries
To prepare yourself for having a kid: Every night before bed say to your phone “Siri, Set an alarm. Surprise me.”
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
Me: it’s time to go to sleep
3: Nope, I don’t think so
Me: who asked you?!
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
rapatouille
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
Guy who invented coffee:
“Don’t even talk to me until I’ve invented coffee”
She left me because I am insecure.
No wait, she’s back.
She just went to get a glass of water.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.