My chakras have been itchy all day but it turns out it was just a dryer sheet.
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This app would like to use your location. It also wants you to mow the lawn and call your parents more often.
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!
Sometimes I’m really happy I decided to become a parent and other times I’m not calculating my Federal Tax deductions.
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
🎶Dough; a base, a pizza base
Ray; a pizza deliverer!
Me; a guy, who eats pizza
Far; a bad place 4 my food!“Sir, place ur order or hang up”
new boss: mind sharing an office?
me: no
NB: Good [points to room filled w/wolves] bc we finally contained them please keep the door closed
Alligators can live up to 100 years, which is why there’s an increased chance that they will see you later.
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
[Surrounded by a million deer]
Genie: You said you wanted a million bucks.
Homer: D’oh.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
I would like to be a zombie because when someone asked me if I had a boyfriend I could just eat them.
Me: I should tell him how I feel.
Beer: Nah.
Vodka: Just be sweet about it.
Whiskey: Or yell it.
Tequila: MAKE SURE YOU CRY GUYS LOVE THAT
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
I hate fungi but then it grew on me.
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”