People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
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“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Anytime I get something stuck in my throat, I drink some beer.
I call this the Heineken maneuver.
Someone should figure out how to turn children arguing into energy. We would be able to power the whole damn world.
The cancelled marathon runners should seriously run through the boroughs with supplies. I said it earlier as a joke, now I say it for real.
Drinking ink won’t kill you, you’ll just dye a little inside.
Shout out to the spider this morning who built a web across the front door making it look as though I’m terrified of sunlight as soon as I walk out.
My origin story is like Harley Quinn’s except instead of rising out of a tank of chemicals it’s instant mashed potatoes
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
*makes plans with someone*
(30 seconds later) what have I done
Me: I don’t have a jealous bone, in my body.
Fibula: Silently plots revenge.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
My kid asked for help with her report but if I did it for her she won’t learn! So I showed how to google, change name, & print on her own.
If my last name was File I’d name my kid Petey F.
I just remembered the time I was dating a British man and I was annoyed at him about something so I deliberately made my tea in the microwave while staring him right in the eyes
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
WIFE: *reading headline* Bird flu in China
ME: *not looking up from my phone* Birds fly in every country, Sharon.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: *rubbing bridge of nose* Says here you bought 1000 bouncy castles?
ME: *lips on mic* For my kingdom, Your Honor
Fellow senior citizens:
If a young person replies “dead” to your joke, they liked it.
You don’t need to push your lifealert button.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
What’s it like to have 5 kids? Imagine the noise at a Jamba Juice and none of the blenders have lids.