There should be an advanced version of Blue’s Clues with more complicated clues and darker storylines.
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Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
Sesame Street: this is an educational show
Me: oh yeah? what type of bird is that
Sesame Street: *flustered* a big one
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Her: How long can you last in bed?
Me: Oh gosh like a really long time! I love my bed. I mean I could literally sleep and lay around for days.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
Son: why is my sisters name rose?
Dad: because your mother loves roses
Son: what about me?
Dad: it’s a long story, Bush’s Country Style Baked Beans
keep scrolling I’ve got nothing.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Me: Can I please have a stack of Italian pancakes?
Wife: you know damn well it’s called lasagna
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Saddest three words: hollow chocolate bunny
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
What idiot called it a hot air balloon and not a sphere of heights
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
Captain: Did you break the sonar again?
Me: Yessir. I’m sorry
Captain: This is why we can’t have nice pings
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.