“HEY ATHLETES WITHOUT MONEY FOR TRAINING FACILITIES OR PROPER UNIFORMS, Y U NO WIN GOLD MEDALS?” – Indians
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I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
If you breed Catdog with a catfish, you have a 25% chance of getting a pure cat.
If a satellite dish zaps your friend and turns them into chips and 2 sliders….
Would you eat them?🤣🤣🤣
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
“I saw mommy kissing santa claus” has the same number of syllables as “I saw someone die at Disney World.” Life’s funny like that.
Shopping for chicken breasts at the grocery store
Price: $7.04
“No way”
Price: $6.94
“Now we’re talking”
Who do atheists pray to when figuring out their child’s online school schedule?
Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory is the most whimsical film about the systematic murder of children that I have ever seen.
how high up are we talkin’?
Watching Celebrity Jeopardy must be stressful for the people who run the charities. Imagine missing out on $30,000 because Christopher Meloni doesn’t know his state capitals.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
Being the firstborn, I was the science experiment
A dog or a baby can only survive about 6 seconds in a closed car with the air conditioner off in July; an annoying fly, 2 weeks.
ME: OMG I CAN’T BREATHE I ATE WAY TOO MUCH CALL A DOCTOR
HER: do you want dessert?
ME: ok, but just a small slice.
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
Wife: *banging on bedroom door* I know about you and the murder
Me: oh shit
Crows: *in bed with me* finally we can be together
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
At my grandma’s house and just accidentally let out a “yall stop running in and out” omg it’s over 💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔💔
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I bet if Aquaman and Jesus had a fight, Jesus would walk all over him.
Way more cannibalism in the Barbie movie than I expected
The moon’s water broke. You know what that means?
Baby Moon.
If you’re in a revolving door with me, know that I’m only pretending to push.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
Now, where’s the sport in that?