They really missed the ball when they named it Gotham City instead of Wayne’s World.
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Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
Don’t describe two completely different things as “apples and oranges” they’re both fruit
Say something like “elephants and crystal meth”
ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
– “It Wasn’t Me” plays on radio
10: why were they naked banging on the bathroom floor?
Me:
10:
Me: a robber came, took all their clothes then locked them in the bathroom and they were trying to alert people to their situation
10: weird
Me: so weird
10:
Me:
10: cool
Me: cool
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
Whoever said ‘carbs are not your friend’ does not understand how friendship works.
ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first.
Give me the unsend button you stupid bird
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
ME: we need to take actionable steps to combat climate change
ME: *after two glasses of wine* i will do it. i will fight the freaking sun
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
#rubbishjokes
Noah’s diary – 39th day:“The dragon pie was really scrumptious.”
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
2010: Didn’t jog
2011: Didn’t jog
2012: Didn’t jog
2013: Didn’t jog
2014: Haven’t jogged~ This is a running joke
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
COP: where were u between 1 and 2
ME: in a diaper
COP: i mean 1 and 2 at night
ME: sleeping in my crib?? idk